|
| my baby was born august 1st! she's amazing. her name is jaelyn brielle oberley. she was 6lbs 3oz and 20 inches long.
| | |
| omg...what an interesting few weeks...
pretty sure it started the weekend before school started...
was driving to south bend and got pulled over...dang cop clocked me twice, and gave me a ticket. said if he would have pulled me over after clocking me the first time, he would have given me a warning, but he followed me to a second street....didnt even see him behind me....i dont like bremen....
then...school started...and book costs came in....ugh... and all the hidden costs....new vocal books and tapes for voice lessons, mandatory concerts that came up out of no where, driving to retreats...
then add work to the balance...all night long, several nights a week....so late that i have to stay up til 2 or 3 to finish homework for the next day and have class at 9 everyday and do it all over again....and my manager sucks at scheduling...i'll tell him that i need certain nights off or have to be off by a certain time, and he'll schedule me on the times that i cant be there.....
and then i go home last weekend....and for once, my brothers and i dont fight very much...but they almost attacked my best friend....lol, that was funny....but, one is really depressed it seems....and i found out that my great-uncle died...and i couldnt make it to the funeral....and one of my best friend's dads died....hope i can make it back for his memorial....and other friends are having job issues....
and to top it all off....i have some wierd allergy/sinus infection thing...and im losing my voice, and have voice lessons and a 6 hour choir retreat tomorrow...
oddly enough...my spirits aren't as down as the circumstances....finally, after 9 months, im not really feeling as depressed as i have been. i've remembered a lot about the last few months and have wondered as to who that person was...and i dont like it.
still struggling w/ my faith...and i hate that....really wish that i could go back and have that close relationship w/ god that i used to have...it's so odd bc i sometimes feel like i dont have time for him....its so hard to try to balance everything...i really wish that i had that desire to get closer to him...to read my bible...to pray....i think it's so hard for me, bc im one to need a physical feeling, i guess...and it just feels like god is so far away...i dont feel his presence....i think that's the hardest feeling....
anyway...im done rambling now...
wow...just reread that....i sound sooo pessimistic....im really not....ok...hmm...need to add some good things....
1. im still alive!!!! yay!!!!
2. met some awesome peoples at school...the new freshmen aren't too bad....lol....actually quite interesting...
3. going on tour in nov. yeah, baby!! we're going to new york and conneticut (hopefully), and michigan, and a few places here in ft. wayne...all of you need to come to the last show....its the tuesday before thanksgiving...i'll keep u posted on the exact info.
4. i've kept my job for 9 months! thats always good...
5. i have all of you as my friends....and, the best part about that.. is that i know all of you personally...save for two peoples and some bands....you have all been such a blessing in my life, and i never would have made it this far without you...even if you never realize it....
6. still in school....good thing, but frustrating....lots of work, but hopefully this year will be better
7. my birthday is coming up...almost 21...how odd...i really dont feel that old.
8. oh, yeah, almost forgot...an amazing couple from my new church loaned me the money to pay off my ticket....and all i have to do to repay them is babysit...i really dont think that i could ever repay them for their kindness...lol, she was calling me to babysit right as i was getting pulled over...seriously a blessing...
9. im gaining more friends here in the fort. still waiting for peoples like my boys back home....but i dont think there are any people like them...a good thing and a bad thing....but the peoples here are pretty wonderful, too...
ok...i feel much better now....now, i have to stop procrastinating and get my homework done...
love you all!
nicole dewend | | |
|  | | |
| This weekend was joyful and bittersweet at the same time. It was so
great to be in the company of the best friends a girl could ever ask
for, but stress within the group has caused a very visible strain.
It was so great to be "kidnapped" on friday night after work by Cabe
and Manda. It felt so good to get that meaningful hug that I find hard
to get here, though I have found it within a few people in Ft. Wayne.
The ride home was great...and we got to pick up the baby!! WOW, I
mean...he's grown so much! Already two months old! When we got back
to Cabe's, I got attacked by the dog! LOL! Even that felt like I was
home. In the morning, Cabe's sisters woke up, and that, also, was a
joyous reunion! We finally all got around to go to Dug and Ethan's
open house, and Cabe's mama stopped me before I got to the car...she
said something to me about something that I had been noticing within
the Thomas household, and it broke my heart to see and get affirmed the
incredible stress that this amazing household is under. I pray for them
so much, and I would ask you the same, if you would... We got to the
open house, it was so wonderful to be able to hang out with Ethan, Ash,
and Dug...and so much better was it when J, JD, and Matt came along and
joined the party...you never realize how much people mean to you when
you don't have them with you all the time...After the party, we headed
back to J's and met up with Britt....it was so great to see him,
too...I've been really worried about him, he's not had it so great
lately. After a while, we got into an interesting game of truth and
dare...I can honestly say, I learned a lot about my boys...haha!!!!
but, I also noticed a lot of discord between them, which was very
saddening. We finally got really bored with that game, and put in the
Family Guy Stewie movie...so funny!! We didn't get a chance to finish
it, so if anyone has it, wanna come over and watch it with me??? 
lol...We headed over to Ethan's for the long-awaited bonfire...it was
so fun! except the whole scaring the dogs with the fireworks....and
that one dare that kinda ruined the game....but...anyway...it was so
nice to be able to catch up with them. Finally, around 2 am, my mama
called and asked where I was, so I knew it was time to get home, so
Ethan gave me a ride, since I still have no car, and it was so good to
be able to talk with him...I don't even remember when the last time it
was that we were able to talk so freely about the issues going on back
there. I think we actually sat in my driveway for about 45 mins talking
about stuff. In the morning, mama was so excited that I was home! lol,
she's so funny. We only got to be together for about 4 hours, but even
that much was refreshing. Hopefully, within the next week or so, mama
and Rick will be able to bring me my car, and we'll be able to talk
more.
Ever since I moved away two years ago to go to college, I always felt
like I had that strong force of close friendships with my boys back
home...but I'm really worried about them. Some bad choices has caused
such divisions between them that sometimes their friendships with each
other seem strained. They always support me and have always been there
for me, but it feels like something is missing...and so often they tell
me that I am missing...they want so badly for me to move back home and
go to IUSB with them all...it's such a hard decision because I love it
here, but what would make it all the better is having them with me, but
I know they won't move here. It's such a hassle to transfer, done it
once and really don't wanna do it again. I've come to love the people
that I go to school and church with and the characters that I work
with...I don't think that I could leave them. Even still, I find it
hard to find that close friendship with anyone here like I have with
them back home. It seems like a lot of the time, when I try to reach
out to people here, they seem to back away. Don't get me wrong, I have
found a lot of great people here, but it's hard to get that close,
intimate friendship with them. It seems like people here are so
cautious to let outsiders get close.
I've been struggling a lot lately with trying to find my perfect
man...the one that God sends me and chooses for me to spend the rest of
my life with...but, I honestly think that I've been struggling more
with the lack of close friendships here. The type of friendship where
we all just be stupid together, play dumb video games, go to movies,
sit around in some living room all piled together on the floor or on
the couch or something, and just be comfortable with each other....the
type of friendship where a hug actually means that you care and it's
not about just being nice, where you can hold hands or cuddle up on the
couch and watch movies and it doesn't necessarily mean that you are a
couple, but an expression of your friendship, a friendship where it's
ok to be yourself without hesitation. I find that a lot of the time,
Ft. Wayne people are so hesitant and guarded that it's very hard to
break that barrier. It's almost like that when an outsider tries to be
a friend to people here, that someone will push back and
say...no...these people are mine, go somewhere else.
I'm not saying that I don't belong in Ft. Wayne, going to school at
IPFW, working at Arby's, and attending Spring St....because, I know
deep down that I need to be here...but it's so hard to start somewhere
where I really didn't know anyone. When I started school at IWU last
year, it was so wonderful because I knew like...half the campus from
church activities and what not...but when I moved here...it was so
hard...sure, there were people that I went to high school with, but we
had never really hung out...there was my former youth pastor and his
wife, and some other camp kids...but...not really all that many who I
go to school with. Then I started school in a new music department
that wasn't as welcoming and homey as was my former Christian
school...The classes and teachers aren't as personal. They are
definately more challenging, though. I really do feel like I have
learned a lot by coming here...but I still don't have that faith base
that I have had everywhere else.
I've really been struggling a lot with my faith...and it takes a lot
for me to admit that to anyone...including myself. There are so many
times that I really feel so alone. I hardly feel God working in my
life, I never feel like reading the Bible, nor praying...and it's so
hard because I feel like I've lost something very important to me.
There is so much that I want in my life...and it's so hard to have the
patience for God to send it to me....it's so hard to grow spiritually
here...there isn't the three times a week mandatory chapel here that I
had at IWU...and for all the IWU peoples reading this...be grateful for
it...I know that you complain about it, I did too...but when you don't
have it...you really do feel like you are missing something very
important. I never really learned how to study the Word..yeah, I know
that you are supposed to read it...but, I honestly don't understand a
lot of it...and I've tried reading devos and stuff...but they are
really corny, and I have a hard time focusing when they are so
immature.
I don't know...I guess....I really needed to vent...my brothers have
been asking me if I am going through depression....and sometimes...I
actually wonder myself...I actually thought about it before they said
anything....and I really don't know what to do about it...I really feel
like something is missing....and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know...I guess....thanks for reading....if you did....
| | |
| ok!!!! let's write a story...i need your help though.... i'll start
Once upon a time, in a far, far away land, there was a beautiful princess living in a castle....
ok, your turn....make up the next sentence...and we'll continue til one of us gets tired of it!!!
| | |
|
